A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but
you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don’t need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In case of an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… So I said
“Implants?”
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if
you wish they were.
Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can’t get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon…
and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
lol good stuff keep it coming