Divorce Agreement

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids,
but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I
want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake
of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its
course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree
on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can
smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure
our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be
relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide
other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are
welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war,
we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take
the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however,
responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three
of them.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare
dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal
aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and
rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right
to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and
war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault,
we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can
also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You
can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing
doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the
World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”..

We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give
trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and
our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other
like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree,
just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which
one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbra
Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. P. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our
country.